I had so many good hours this week, but I got fucking sick. :(
UGH, I actually like my job and I like working,

Once I get better i'm going back to the gym and back to work.
I got a new bank account and Sean just got his drivers license. I guess I have to take the bad with the good. I just stress so badly about money.

We're getting there on our own, without much help from anyone.
Sean just needs to get a job and I need to obtain my drivers license.

Bleh, I just want to fast forward my life.

No more food
and no spending money
(other than tattoo tomorrow)

I'm starting to lose my mind.

Where is all of my money going? Oh, I know.
I'm so fucking responsible... but that just means I end up taking care of everyone's bullshit.
I now have less than two grand, awesome.
Especially with Christmas coming.

I almost want to get a second job, but I know that's not possible.

Tomorrow I need to clean my grandmas and maybe go to the bank. I need more money in there before I have a panic attack. I think maybe it's just some weird OCD thing with numbers.
I get paid in a week and also get my tattoo done...great, more money.

I need to get shit dominated.
I need to work out like mad.
I've only had about 200 cals today so far and I plan to eat a salad for dinner.

SEAN GETS BACK SOON. :D
It's going to be amazing to see him and hold him.
I can't wait until we can start building our life together.

On Tuesday (the day Sean gets on the bus) i'm going to Portland for a casting of The Real World. I'm excited, but kind of nervous. I know that there's no chance of them wanting to pick me, out of the thousands and thousands of people who have applied. But it should be fun, and Ptown is bomb.

I work tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday for sure. I can't wait to look at the new schedule to see what's going down. I want to work all the time, but soon I have some shit going on. I'm getting a tatt on the 23rd, I have that casting on the 20th and I also want to take a couple of days off of work to visit Sean.

I made my tattoo deposit today. :)

But mum and I went out to breakfast. :/
Ugh, and I didnt go to the gym.
I think later I will run up and down my driveway and ride my bike. I also need to do hella crunches.

I haven't purged in a long time.
But I reallyreally need to get this fat to go away.

I can't wait to hit the gym tomorrow.

Its now a rare occasion to be with the one I love.
I would give anything just to go back when things were normal;
to sleep with you every night
to make love everyday
to feel safe and loved
to smile and laugh
to lay in bed for hours, not being able to sleep... but listening to you breathe
to use your arm as a pillow
to always be able to smell you.


I'm starting to breakdown.

Why the fuck did I just eat that?

I'm down two pounds and I fucking binge. I have the flu and they sent me home early from work.  :( My next paycheck is going to fail. UGH
Plus, I got sent home so early that I wasn't able to pick up my paycheck. Grr.

So, I can't really exercise... imma burn like 100 cals on my bike and do some stretches and a ton of crunches.

I miss my love so much, I've never ever felt like this. I hate it. Come on, I want time to speed up.

I feel like shit, I think I have the flu.

I don't need dinner.
I'm not going to eat.


I miss my baby. :( <3
I have a feeling im going to cry myself to sleep tonight.

watch me fucking make this shit happen. ;)

Worked for 12 hours, im tired as fuck. All i've had to eat today is some fruity pebbles.  Another 12 hour day tomorrow.
:)


I made about 60 bucks in tips.

And btw; my dad is a dick. Ugh

Saving up dollars to be with my love. :)

About $1,000 before i'm at my first goal. I need to get my license and then sell my piece of shit skankmobile. Ugh. I can't stand to look at it. I hate it.
My money is piling up so fast, I love it. Next payday is going to be awesome. w00t. I need to work it and make extra dollars. Maybe even get a second job, if that's possible.

I've been failing epicly, but now i'm getting back on track.
I have been binging like crazy, I hate myself.

I am ready to be back where I was.
I'm making a new plan. :]

I don't work today and hopefully I can stay away from food.
I've had a pear. The plan for the day is to workout hella and stay away from foods. Sean is coming to visit this weekend and I need to lose. I know I have gained, i'm a fat fuck. I've been working out everyday and I needneedneed to lose. I'm going crazy. I got an unexpected last paycheck from FlexForce and I am SO ready to be paid on Friday. w00t, I love dollars. Today I need to clean the house, clean grandmas house, go to the gym and work out at home.